I did get a new job.
It’s a 75 mile drive one way but the place is awesome to
work for. The name tags have the date you started and most of them are showing
5-35 years. Once the wife’s grandparents heard they couldn’t believe I was
driving 3 hours each way to go to work and said it would never last with that
drive. Apparently judging drive time by miles driven isn’t one of their strong
points. As for the distance, I was one of the few holdouts in my neighborhood
that wasn’t driving that far for work. When you live in a town where jobs that
require a degree are around $15 hr, you drive a ways to work. Besides, I have a
whole hour and twenty minutes from the time I leave work till I have to hear
about what (insert in-laws name here) did.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
I am apparently on the **** list from another SIL and BIL.
After the big family fight at my house, the SIL went crying to her hubby. Now,
I have always called him the good BIL but it seems that her version of events
have caused him to dislike me.* I keep hearing how they do for me and we never
help them out. He’s a mechanic and **** hot welder and has helped me out at
times. We have bought them groceries without being paid back, watched their
kids when needed, loaned them money and let them borrow stuff that somehow
becomes their property. Not sure how I’m the bad guy again, but I really don’t
care enough to put in the effort to clarify the issue. The wife’s grandparents,
whom have treated me like their own, are upset with me as well. The MIL told
them her version of events from the day I called her a ****ing bitch. She left
out a few details, like calling my son (her grandson) a little bastard first.
She also forgot that she started it all, she was threatening the wife and she
starts **** every time she comes over. The other SIL did come to my defense
though. Not sure if that really helped. It’s kind of like Mussolini defending
Patton to the Brits for hurting Hitler’s feelings.*
OK, it’s been a while. Since Nana moved a few years back
most of the drama has moved with her.
Crack Whore Betty was
pregnant with twins but lost them. She did the whole donate money to me thing
and then she was carrying around a box with some baby stuff in it for a while.
When people would ask her “What’s in the box” she would say “My babies.” Yea,
she’s that creepy. Right after she got home from the hospital she started
bleeding.* The BIL drove her to the local hospital and CWB and her mom were
cussing him out for not taking the hour drive to the big city hospital. The
doctor said she wouldn’t have made it that long and just did get to their
hospital in time. That didn’t matter to nut job and her mom; the BIL was still
at fault for something. I blame him for not listening to them; or for not
stopping to get a soda or something.
Well, happy ****ing mother’s day.
Nana decided to stay
for a while since she shattered her leg and in in recovery. I had mother’s day
planned out but that went out the window. She showed up Thursday and
immediately bitched about the TV. I got rid of satellite and we have antenna
only now. Well, she can see her Dog the Bounty Hunter but at least she can
watch all the Jerry Springer trash bull****. About 2 hours ago the rest of the
clan showed up for the mother’s day fiasco.
We just finished a 45 minute shouting match and I threw them all out.
How am I the bad guy. Well, nana can't go anywhere because her other kids told
he she can't stay with them.
Ohhhh, I was not sane. Years if putting up with bull****
just unplugged. The neighbors got a good show though. One sister in law decided
to fall on my porch so Im betting a law suit. Now nana is wanting to talked to
me. I thought when I called her a goddamn Bitch and told her to get the ****
out and never come back I had made my point.
It started because
she gave my son the look, according to him. He said; don't look at me that way.
That set her off and I told him to go into my room.
Well, at some point
she called him a little bastard and that was the end if that bull****. I also
informed her what a loser her son is and how they both take advantage of me.
Seems she sees it as I take advantage of them. I told her she was a stupid
Bitch then. Kinda went downhill after that.
Yea, food just gone done cooking and they all took what they
could and left (except for nana). Now I have some nasty ass spinach dip and
corn on the cob left. All the meat and good sides along with the chips are long
gone. Guess it was a good thing I just finished the sister-in-laws final paper.
Seems I'm a favorite with her professor and holding an A. Odd how I never do
for them. I need to start writing papers
for cash. I just wrote a final paper from the perspective of the female view
point as it concerns the UN and its role on women’s healthy and the infant
mortality rate. I made her to be an
anarchist.
Day 2.
Nana was scheduled
for surgery on Tuesday. My wife and S-I-L had to be there (I don’t blame them
for being there for a surgery) and the school and bus company were made very,
very, very aware that her kids would be dropped off at my house. VERY AWARE. I
get home and do some dishes and begin supper. Soon I heard the pitter patter of
Hell and ‘Yun and the cry from my son, “stop walking on the laptop, stop
pushing each other, stop hitting……….(you get the idea). I figured that the wife
and S-I-L would be late again so I made enough of my twice baked spaghetti with
pepperoni to feed everyone. One thing I learned from Grandma Falcon was you
always offered a meal. I would have fed them the day before but I didn’t have
enough and if you don’t make the same thing they will fight and bitch because
one person got something the other didn’t.
Well, supper was
ready and I had the twins sit at the bar in the kitchen. I wasn’t about to
trust them with spaghetti and tea on my carpet and the kitchen table had the
wife’s scrapbook stuff on it. All was good for the first few minutes. Each had
a plate of spaghetti and was chowin’ down. Then they got quiet, too quiet. I
heard an odd sliding noise and had my boy go look to see what was going on.
“Stoooppppp” the boy yelled, but it was too late. Seems Hell and ‘Yun were
playing crash up derby with their glasses of tea and just as the boy yelled,
one of them won. The sound of glass shattering was quickly followed by a
simultaneous “I didn’t do it.” On the floor laid one of my wife’s fine
McDonald’s Coke glasses. On the counter stat the other, tipped over with tea
everywhere, but victorious in battle. I also noticed that their plates were
pushed around and one still had a pile of spaghetti on it. I asked “who didn’t
eat?” and they both said “I ate.” I looked at the full plate again and noticed
that all of the baked cheese and pepperonis’ were missing. I looked on the
stove at the rest of the first container and the other one I had made for
leftovers and my lunch for the next day and shook my head. One (or both) had
dug through all of the spaghetti and removed, then ate all the cheese and
pepperoni from the rest of the food. Neither one of the little turds would
admit to the crime, each blaming the other; then the tears started. Seems
accusing them of anything invokes this response. Mommy doesn’t want to accuse
without knowing or cause hurt feelings by pointing out. Fkuc that; “get your
happy asses on the couches.” One on one side of the room the other on the opposite
side.“From now till your mom gets home you are in my sight while I watch the
news.” “Yea, I’m watching it on the Spanish speaking station so you can’t even
understand what they are saying; deal with it!” How the hell can 2 little kids
find news from Mexico so funny? Those ****s laughed the whole time. Well, after
a few minutes of that failure I decided to let them go outside. They jumped up
and ran towards the door. “Hold on there **** and Head, grab those 1 gallon
buckets first.” They looked at me, then ran over and grabbed them, thinking it
was time to play in the dirt. “Don’t leave the water running between trips from
the hose to the water trough.” 100 gallons to fill it, 2 one gallon containers
at a time. Finally, back to the news in a foreign language and some peace and
quiet. * Yea, right.
I hear the ruckus outside and call for the boy to go check
on the twins but I get no answer. “Well ****, guess I’ll go check on them.” As
soon as I open the door I see the twins and the boy running around like three
idiots, screaming and trying to get to “base”. Seems the boy went outside and
the twins went from hauling water to throwing water to all of them playing hide
and seek. My son came running out of the daughters Durango and headed towards
my truck (base) with Hell right behind him. Yun’ was nowhere to be seen. Heard
yes but seen, no. I saw my 12’ V nose trailer shaking a bit and then watched as
the rear dropped to the ground. Seems Yun’ decided to hide in it and as he
walked to the back of it, sat the trailer on its ass. I still have some square
bales in it and needed to shift some to the front but I figured as long as no
one took another bale from the front, it would be OK; didn’t think about Frick
and Frack Fruckin’ things up. Well, I guess Yun’ panicked a bit when he went
tumbling into the rear door of the trailer and screamed. The other 2 found
humor in his misfortune, which soon turned to an overwhelming desire to play
teeter totter with my trailer. As this was occurring, I was hobbling my arse out
as fast as I could to stop them, my own screams being completely ignored. I get
to the front of the trailer, where Hell and the boy were sitting on the tongue,
and tell them to stop. I guess me saying “STOP” translated to “Hey, without
regards to my trailer why don’t you jump off the tongue so Yun’ will go
flopping back down.” After the last flop onto its rear, the boy and Hell took
off for the front porch while I opened the door to the trailer. Inside was
Yun’, covered in hay and grinning like the Cheshire cat. He was ready for more;
I was ready to strangle all of them. I stepped on the tongue of the trailer,
placing it back on the ground, and shooed the little turd out. Now all three of
them were standing on the front porch asking, “What can we do for fun?” I said,
“Grab some sticks and joust cars out on the road.”The twins immediately started
looking for sticks, I can only assume they had no idea what jousting was. Just
then their dad turned down the gravel road; finally my 2 day ordeal was over.
Nana was in a rehab home for 2 weeks and the buzz in the air is that she will
need 6 more weeks at home, with people who can help her.
That cold chill up my
back, it has returned.
The wife gets a call on Monday morning; seems Nana has hurt
her leg and no one will take her to the hospital. The wife calls me to let me
know she is driving the near 200 mile round trip to get limpzilla to the ER. I
asked “Why doesn’t she just call for an ambulance?” No real answer for that bit
of advice. Well, I get back to work and forget about the problem; that is until
I get an email. Seems I must pick up my twin nephews when they get out of
school.* I had to ask the obvious question, “Why can’t your sister do it?”
Well, it seems that the S-I-L went with the wife. That, in turn, brought up the
next question. Why does it take two of you to drive her to the ER? I was all
ready to answer my own question with a snide remark about Nana’s weight and the
need for a 2 person transfer when the next email came in. Seems Sunday night
Nana tried to do the splits, with flip flops on and flopped instead of flipped.
One leg went forward; the other went back and did a Theismann.* I emailed back
and asked why the hell she didn’t go to the ER last night.* Seems Nana was
going to rest her leg and see if it felt better the next day. Now, how the hell
do you even begin to think that a compound fracture will “fell better in the morning?”
Since we were emailing back and forth I decided to ask another obvious
question. Why can’t the twins ride the bus to our house? Seems that they don’t
like riding the bus. I informed the wife( to inform the S-I-L) that I would be
waiting for them to get off the bus. If they were still at school after the bus
left, they needed to start walking their 3rd*grade butts 10 miles north then
turn left; I’d be waiting on the porch.
I get home about 30 minutes before the twins should be let
off the bus, get me an ice tea and plop my fat ass on the front porch bench.
After a while I see the bus stop across the street, let the neighbor kids off,
back into my yard, and miss my mailbox (for a change) then leave. “Huh”, I
thought, guess they are walking. I take another sip of tea and call the dogs to
come into the house. It was TV time. Just then the phone rang. “Are my kids
there yet?” I was asked. “Nope” I said. “Did the bus show up?” she screamed.
“Yep, then it left without dropping the twins off.”* “Well where are they
then?” she asked, ever so politely. “How the hell am I supposed to know?” “I’m
guessing at least 2 miles closet towards my place if they are walking.”* Not
the thing to tell a nervous mom I guess. She hung up to call the school. I knew
one of three things could happen that afternoon. 1, they get on the bus and are
dropped off at my place. Well that was a no. 2, they missed the bus and were
still at school. Knowing that the school would call her to let her know they
missed the bus, I was betting that wasn’t the answer either. That leaves option
3. They got on their normal bus and got dropped off at their own house. I had
my keys in hand and was walking to the truck to go pick them up when the phone
rang again. “THE BUS DRIVER DROPPED THEM OFF AT MY HOUSE……..ALL BY THEMSELVES!”
“Yea, I’m already on my way” I said. “Well, if you knew they were at my house
why didn’t you say so?” “How would that have been funny” I said. Now, if you
knew my nephews you would understand why I call them Hell and ‘Yun. If a stranger,
a mad dog or a bear had come after them while they were “all alone” at their
house I would have found a guy tied up, a dog that was now playing fetch with
them or a bear hanging from the tree, partly gutted. These are country kids
through and through. So off I go to retrieve the lost kiddies and save them
from their mom’s paranoia. After we get back to my house my son takes them
outside to play until their mom gets home, saving the inside of my house.
Well, the wife and
S-I-L made it back around*6 pm. I had made supper (Dead Johnny streaks, fresh
green beans, mashed taters with homemade gravy, corn and bread) but not enough
to feed the horde that had descended upon my house (S-I-L had her youngest with
her). As we waited paitently for them to leave, the S-I-L opened up her laptop
and began getting on facebook, while telling us she needed to use our WiFi to
do her homework. As 4 pairs of eyes rolled, I asked the obvious question, “What
assignment do you need me to do?” “Oh, you could help me with Bla Bla class”
she said. So after an hour of writing her paper and responding to post made my
other students, she decided it was time to go home, but she didn’t know what
they were having for supper. I said “I know what I’m having” got up and went
into the kitchen. So ended day 1.
So my BIL had to retake his PT test so he could stay in the
guard. Missed it by 24 seconds. Seems he's had some time to get ready since it
is mandatory and all. Apparently cigarettes and booze was more important than
running 2 miles a few times a week to get ready. We'll, Nana just left to go
comfort him so I have the house to myself. Oh wait, that's right. My sister in
law and her family are here. Why? Because they got their internet shut off, her
college paper is due and she is wasting time waiting for me to write it. Though
I can generally whip out a 2-3 page paper in an hour or so, I'm gonna let her
sweat this one out. I'll just sit here while her kids tear up the living room
and wait for me to feed them.
We were shopping in a
mall and came across a kiosk that was selling cookies. My wife likes pecans and
as she was having a hard time deciding what cookie she wanted I pointed out
that they had pecan cookies. I myself didn’t want anything so I stood back as
she got in line to order. When she was done she handed the kids their cookies
and then gave me one; it was the pecan cookie that I had pointed out. I asked
if I was just holding it for her or what and she said “no, you asked for it.” I
explained that I was simply pointing it out to her, not for myself because I do
not like pecans. Well, the mall was busy and loud and she couldn’t hear me so I
raised my voice a bit and she said “No, you said you wanted it.” I then said,
loud enough so she could hear me over the other folks, I fking hate pecans. You
know that moment at the party when you have to yell to be heard but as soon as
you say something the whole place gets real quiet and you sound like a
screaming idiot? This was one of those moments. 200 people that day came to the
realization that I FKN HATE PECANS!, including Nana.
Back to the cake and
ice cream. Nana was enjoying her slice of cake and the cool ice cream treat
with a particularly sinister grin on her face. I had to choke down the vile
mixture of carrot cake and pecans so as not to hurt grandma’s feelings. The
gloves are off now Nana.
So after putting up with the MIL over Chriatmas she finally
went home............to discover that her house was robbed. Just left there
after 5 hrs of watching the cops go through an abandon apartment, arrest 3
hoodlums and have their mom call us honkies. I looked at her and said
"bless your heart, I haven't been called a honky since Carter was in
office". I thought I was being nice but apparently she didn't think so.
Hauled Nana's crap from her apartment yesterday. Windy as
hell so I was getting around 11 mpg towing her crap. Luckily it didn't cost her
a dime.
Nana lives about 90
miles away and her storage place is owned by her brother and is another 60
miles. I argued that it would be cheaper to rent one in the town she lives in
but it was already past noon on Saturday so we couldn't find a storage place
with the office still open. I was just ready to mover her **** and be done with
it. When we got to the apartment someone had put a note on the door. “smile for
Jesus”. Now the mother of the hoodlums that robbed her had spent hours
threatening us all the night before. The cops finally took her in but her roommate,
boyfriend, ex-con bailed her right out along with the kids. Seems they wanted
us to know that they were still around. As we started loading stuff up the crew
rolled in. Had to put someone on guard duty with the trailer. Soon cars were
coming and going at the neighbors place, each getting loaded with things in
bags and covered in sheets or blankets. Since the cops said they couldn't get a
warrant to search their apartment I'm guessing they were moving the stolen
stuff from all over the surrounding neighborhoods out. The only stolen things
the cops found were in the abandon side of their duplex. The kids were taken in
for trespassing in the abandon unit but will probably never be charged with the
theft. The gangstas had their own little
group stay outside playing some of the most vile rap songs they could find and
yelling crap like "rednecks" "white trailer trash" and
yes..."honkies" at us the whole time. After a while a truck pulled up
and a 6'4" coverall clad gentleman stepped out to great us. He owned one
of the duplexes that was robbed (the one in the background of the above
picture) and his daughter lived in one side. He looked like the one guy at the
bar that you knew to stay the hell away from if a fight started 'cause he has
no qualms about going to jail. This was the second time his daughters place was
broken into but the first time that he knew who did it. I envision some
interesting things happening in the near future.
What all didn't get
packed up and moved was put in the garage but as I told the M-I-L, they don't
want to steal any more of your ****, they will just bust in and destroy the
place.
Having 2 kids in high school and starting a new job means
limited free weekends to simply relax. Last weekend fell between show choir
events, work related issues and the required trips to the city because someone
has to have something because of a thing going on at a place and dad didn’t
hear about any of it till Sunday and it is needed for Monday; a free weekend to
do what I want, at last.
So I get home and the
wife’s car is packed and the kids are fighting over whose stuff is crossing
that imaginary line in the back seat. Seems I forgot that this was the weekend
to go in-law visiting. So I change and we hop in and off we go; 3 hours of
phone calls asking “Where are you guys at now, why is it taking you so long” in
15 minute increments. I long for the simple days of “Are we there yet?” but
alas those days have been replaced with “How long do we have to stay?”
We arrive just in time for some of Grandma’s fixins’ Now, in
all fairness my wife’s grandparents have always treated me like family and I
mean that in a good way. They may fuss and argue about the same issues most
grandparents do: “Your kids are on the computer too much, they should be
outside playing” (4 degrees out and it is night) or “You’re lucky your parents
let you get away with (insert meaningless act here) because my kids never did”
but all in all they are good folks. But this wouldn’t be much of a story if all
we had to deal with was the grandparents, now would it. The repeated phone
calls on the way there were from Nana. Seems we are required to maintain
constant contact so our arrival can be met by her to insure that the visit will
have zero chances of being peaceful. This particular trip had 2 items on the
itinerary that I was not privy to. Since it was already evening time I decided
to turn in early as to avoid the meaningless poor, poor miserable me talk so
any clue as to what was in store and the planning process would remain a
mystery.
Upon my awakening I
am met with the smell of breakfast cooking. I walk in and see both kids staying
out of harm’s way watching YouTube videos and vines. They are safe as long as
they remain in their separated state and do not enter into any exchange with
anyone else. I on the other hand made the mistake of waking up. I’m first hit
with itinerary 1, “We are going to the casino, do you want to go?” from Nana.
Now it is a well-known fast in the family that I despise gambling. I don’t care
if people do, I just can’t stand any part of it. So I declined and said I will
keep grandma company and keep the kids in line. Then the question of who is
driving the hour and a half to the boats came up. Nana was first out of the
gate with “My car has stuff all in it and I need gas so I can’t drive.” My wife
chimed in “OK, I’ll drive buy you pay for half my gas then.” Well that didn’t
go over well and Nana quickly responded with “I don’t have the extra money.”
(Seems asking for someone to pay for their share of fuel to take them somewhere
is only acceptable when Nana has to be inconvenienced) I started to raise the
question about the logic of gambling when you don’t even have gas money but I
needed the 5 or 6 hours of peace and quiet so I kept my mouth shut.
Later that afternoon
the gamblers came strutting back in. Nana had won $40 and my wife $200. I asked
them how much it cost to win that but of course they gave me the “what do you
mean” look. I learned a long time ago that it sometimes takes $50, $100 or more
to win $25 because they seem to forget how much they pumped into the machines
over time before that big payoff. I guess it’s their way to justify tossing
their cash away. Anyway, I said “Guess you can afford to pay for half the gas
now.” Woops. OK, seriously, how does saying that make me rude? She didn’t have
enough, now she does, PAY FOR GAS! Well, I let the hostilities towards me and
my comment die down as supper was almost ready and it was grandma’s lasagna; I
didn’t want to ruin a good meal.
After we ate I went
into the living room whilst the ladies schemed and planned. I was called back
in and there was a cake with candles and some ice cream. Since we don’t get to
the wife’s grandparents on birthdays she will do this if someone’s birthday was
around the time when we do show up. So I blow the candles out and cut a piece
of carrot cake; I like grandma’s carrot cake. Seems this year Nana had
suggested an extra ingredient though. Pecans in the cake and the ice cream was
butter pecan. Now to most folks this would sound like Nana was being nice; let
me go back a few years and explain how she wasn’t.
Some people piss me the f#@k off. I was at the Commissary and
bought some Mac and cheese. They had coupons worth a dollar off 2. Every other
box had a coupon but the boxes were mixed up and I didn't have enough coupons.
I walk over to the display and pull a few coupons off of some of the boxes. My
thought was since I obviously had more boxes with no coupons, the display would
now have more boxes with coupons and by me removing them it would equal out. It
was that or swap my non-coupon boxes for the coupon boxes. Well as I was doing
so this guy starts talking to his imaginary friend about how I'm making it
impossible for anyone else to but this Mac and cheese on sale. He made sure to
say it loud enough for all to hear. I stood, turned around and said " I
have bought the Mac and cheese but I got more boxes without coupons than I did
with coupons, don't worry there is still one coupon for every two boxes"
then I walked back to the register. Then the guy started talking crap again
about how I'm screwing other shoppers. The cashier couldn't help but shake his
head and the bagger chuckled a bit but I had enough of this ass wipe. I turned
to him as he stood in the line across from me and said "You got a problem
with me?" He turned away. I felt the loving tap of my wifes shoe as it
slammed into my shin but I wasn't done. "You do realize that every other
box has a coupon and I bought more non coupon boxes than coupon boxes."
"By removing some of the coupons from the now extra boxes with coupons I
have simply corrected the imbalance." "Perhaps common sense is not
your strong point so before you start calling anyone out maybe you should ask
someone who can comprehend a little logic if you should open your mouth."
By this time the wife had me by the arm and was escorting me out of the
building. She said I was mean, I say if you are going to start talking ****,
know what you are talking about or be ready to take an ass chewing. BTW: I'll need
some recipes for Mac and cheese. I bought 72 boxes. It was a real good sale
Sat in on the trial about a month ago. Crack Whore Betty
threw an object at the MIL and hit her then tried to flee. The cop that showed
up took her statement and she confessed yet she claimed she didn't do it in
court. We weren't sure how CWB could actually afford a lawyer. Just before the
case was called CWB was standing outside the courtroom with her layer when I
was heading to the restroom. They were all giggly like two teenagers who
slipped away from the watchful eyes of their parents. Now we know, the barter
system.
She was found guilty
and has to take anger management classes and is on one year probation. The last
time she was on probation she kept peeing dirty yet her PO never did anything
about it. Hmmmmm. We are hoping the new PO will be a gal.
I just got home and what is in my email? A 6 page paper from
my sister-in-law for one of her classes. She asked me to just "look it
over." I did, it sucked. She claimed the professor is mean. I think he
just likes reading papers in English. These are direct quote from the paper.
In 1879, Louis Pasteur, who used the blood of a woman who
had puerperal fever to isolate the organism which is now.
Rebecca Lancefield who developed a means of differentiating
and classifying hemolytic streptococci into groups.
Add the numerous
sentences that start with "the" (no capitalization), "So",
"And" as well as failing to spell out any numbers and we have the
makings of a strong F.
Well my Engrish professor may be a hard core liberal but he
has a sense of humor.
A fun exercise to
kill the last 20 minutes of a 2 hour class. He said "Try and write A Paper
on any subject you like." "Go for 3 pages" "Brainstorm some
ideas and tie them all in." "Have fun with it."
I was the only one to
get it done and I did it in less than 3 minutes.
A Paper is a wondrous thing: thoughts, emotions are the
things it can bring.
From my mind thoughts
will spring. I write them down before the bell can ring.
But sometimes I find
that paper is too long. I try to fill it with thought or song.
Maybe I could just
string you along. I don't know, is that so wrong?
I have so much more
that I need to write. I wish I could just do it tonight.
I'm starting to feel
a bit of fright, but if I try I just might.
Can't wait till I'm
done, I can say “Look what I did.”I accomplished your task, I accomplished your
bid.
How did I do it? How
did it work?
I
CHANGED
THE
FONT
SIZE
YOU
FLIPPIN'
JERK! At font size 96 for the larger text it comes in just
at 3 pages even. Somehow I'm still getting A's in this class.
So my sister-in-law has gone back to college……again. She
asked me to review one of her papers, knowing that I can’t leave a poorly
written assignment alone. So far after 6 papers I am holding an A+ in her class
and her teacher is very impressed with her work. My wife has decided to finish
her degree and has also gone back to school. Her first paper was due and asked
if I would help her on it. Coming off a fresh high with my last A I said “Sure
thing baby, should be a breeze.” Professor Pain N. Myass sent it back for a
rewrite. WTF? I was ready to go have a chat with him when the wife reminded me
that it was her taking the class. She had to remove “it”. Nowhere in the paper
could the word “it” be utilized even if it made sense (see what I did there
;-}. She was to capitalize fort even though it was not used in naming a location
(IE: Fort Collins). It was a paper for history but he informed her that it
contained too much history.
Now I’m by no means
an English major but I do have a tendency to stand my ground and argue my case.
Sometimes I’m proven wrong but at least I can make my case. The wife told me I
had to hold my tongue on this matter as it is her class, not mine. I told her
“Nay nay, for I will have my day”. She gave me that “Oh God, what are you
planning” look that I get about 10 times a week. “Ohhh nothing” I said.
I just requested my
transcripts and have talked with the college. I’ll be in his class next
semester. Now what else should I take? I’ll see what the wife is taking.
We'll great, my future grand kids are doomed. My daughter’s
boyfriend just got his acceptance letter. This is what he wrote. (I x'd out the
name of the school)
"XXX has
accepted me into collage for there spring semester. So excited for
collage."
I said "Is that
some kind of art class project?". "BTW how is your college hunting
going?" "Maybe you should call to see if they are letting you go to
their summer semester there."
Now somehow I'm the
ass.
So the story came to me in bits but from what I gathered the
brother-in-law and 2 friends were out driving and went off the road and
wrecked. I was told the truck landed on the roof and the cab was under water.
The driver trapped, my brother-in-law risked life and limb to get him out and
save him. Then the details began to fill in. They had finished off a case of
beer (driver claims he didn't drink) and said to themselves "Hey, I wonder
if we can go up that hill?" Well the answer to that question was NO! After
sliding back a bit the truck went sideways then began flipping. The B-I-L
called mommy and she took him to the hospital where they determined that he was
positive for manic stupidity. The other 2 stooges decided to walk home and go
to bed. Odd how the driver didn't want to get checked out. As for the saving of
the driver drowning in water........................It was about enough to get
the armrest wet.
Free weekends are a rare treasure to the parents of teens.
Between sports
events, school
activities or that needed ride to meet up with friends
little time is left
for the poor and tired parent. This particular weekend
started off with the
"Drive One For Your School" event to help raise money
for the DECA program.
It would be over for us by 10 AM so the rest of the
weekend would be all
mine. Well the wife drove a few cars but she didn't
see the car she
wanted to drive last year but couldn't. It was a Ford
Edge. She likes SUV's
but wanted something a bit smaller without moving
into a car. I said we
could stop by the Ford dealer on the way home. How
long could this take
after all. She hates car shopping and doesn't really
want to spend the money
on another new car so we should be out by the time
she sees the first
sticker price. About 30 minutes later we were on our
way and without the
$28k used 2010 Ford Edge that they had on the lot. The
rest of the weekend
would be all mine............or so I thought.
Seems a Ford dealer 2
hours and 1 state away had just the car she wanted so
we set off on our
little jaunt. We got home around 10pm with no new car
but we were going
back Monday after we talked to our bank about a loan on a
Lincoln MKX. My
weekend half gone and my money about to be spent I went to
bed with the
knowledge that Sunday would be all mine............or so I thought.
Sunday morning comes and I have fed the kids, took care of
the cows and
prepare to go to the
city for a little guy stuff shopping. Then the phone
rings. It is around
11 AM (yep, I slept in) and one of my tenants had their
key stuck in the
door. Off we go into town. What should be a 15 minute
drive turns into a 25
minute wait fest as the road crews have shut down 5
miles of road for
resurfacing. We arrive to find the poor lady standing by
her dangling keys
with a look of apologetic sadness on her face. I got my
pliers and walked up
to the door. It was securely locked but the keys
wouldn't budge. I
turned them a half turn counter clockwise and they slid
right out. She
started to apologize and I told her not to worry about it.
How could I get mad
at her for her ignorance? She complains about nothing
and pays her rent on
time. I wish I had family that was so good to me.
Since we were in town
the wife decided she wanted to eat lunch so off we
went to waste more
money. By the time lunch, her coffee and a quick trip
to the local
bookstore was over it was 3pm. Now I finally had my chance to
head to the city. I
stop to get gas and as I got back into the truck the
wife was getting off
the phone with her mom. Seems Nana has to take her
sons kids back to
their mother and the meeting place is my house. I don't
have a real big issue
with the brother-in-laws ex-tramp as I don't really
see here but her
current hubby is a dead beat KC gangsta wannabe and he
usually travels
"wiff his ho". I have no way of contacting them to say
stay away and the
mother-in-law isn't about to call and tell them the drop
off will be somewhere
else so I had to cancel my trip to the city so I can
meet with the Thug of
the Year and we can have a chat about what I consider
trespassing and my
views on the use of deadly force.
It's 5:30 and no Ma-N-Law. Then the phone rings. "This
should be good" I
thought to myself.
Seems the little Jeep Liberty that Nana drives threw the
belt. She was stuck
about 70 miles from our house. Since the wife knows
nothing about cars
she gave me the phone. I of course asked exactly what
happened and she started
her little story. Seems that her car was making a
noise when she
started it up and had her son look at it. He told her the
fan belt was looking
like it needed replaced but s he could make it to my
house no problem. I
stopped her right there and said "That was your first
mistake, you listened
to him". She ignored me and continued. She drove
about 10 miles and it
got worse so she calls knucklehead back and he
assures her it would
be better to keep going rather than come back. Another
20 miles and the belt
let go. Now she is on the off ramp of I-70 with
several screaming
brats and no one to help her. My in-laws are all very
loud talkers and the
wife has heard the entire conversation. She is
freaking out and
tries to call her sister to see if they can take the car
trailer and get her
back here. Of course no one answered and she looks at
me and says "Why
does she never answer the phone?" I said "Because she is
smarter than
you" then turned my attention back to Nana and her dilemma. I
told her to hang
tight and I will be there in about an hour and a half. Off
I go to the parts
store to buy a new belt then the wife and I are on our
way to save the day.
It is dark by the time we get there and I pull up
behind her then get
out and popped the hood. Sure enough the belt broke and
it took out an A/C
line. As I get my stuff together to start replacing it a
set of headlights
come up on us. It's the B-I-L in a Dodge Avenger (I
really don't
understand this families obsession with MoPars). I look at
the wife and ask
"So when did he get that little jewel?" The mother-in-law
said "He did hit
2 week drill and used the money to buy it". I said "He
should have paid me
back a SMALL portion of what he owes me". She said
"Well he needs a
car for work." "Oh really?" "And what exactly does he do
for a living
now?" I asked. "Well he's still looking.............." I went
back
to work because I
really had no interest in that conversation any more. The
B-I-L came up and
started to help. I of course decided to engage him in
conversation but he
wasn't in a talking mood. Not sure why because I
thought I had some
great topics like........
Whose name is on this
title?
If you have a car why
can't you take your kids back?
You still owe me
money.
Hey, I hear they are
looking for Christian missionaries to go to Iran. I'll
pay for your flight.
None of these seemed to perk his interest. Odd. Anyway, we got the Liberty
up and running and
Nana was off to meet the momma of some of the B-I-L's
kids at a truck stop
(probably the one he meet his current wife at) for the
exchange. After all
that I went through I told her it would not be at my
house. The next day
Nana asked how much I thought it would cost to get the
A/C fixed. I said IDK
but I'm now officially broke. "Ohhhhhhh I wouldn't
ask you to pay for
it" she said. Uhhhhhhhhh Yes you will.
Time to catch up.
My daughter's
boyfriend returned from a school trip yesterday. He was gone
for 4 days and upon
his arrival home he made several discoveries.
Apparently his
brother had spent the weekend playing his Xbox and broke
several of his discs
and scratched some of the others. His little sister
moved into his room
the night he left and wet in his bed. She also wanted
to have their 2 new
puppies spend the night with her but forgot to let them
out when she went to
school. So he comes home to the Xbox he paid for in his brother's room
broken
and a room filled with pee and poop. What did his loving dad say? "Them
chores
didn't do themselves
while you were having fun." So he spends the rest of
Sunday evening doing
chores, cleaning the crap out of his room and washing
his sheets. As my
daughter tells me about her boyfriend’s woes I stop her
for a moment.
"Think about what you are saying." She looked at me
puzzled.
"Replace your boyfriend with your mom and me with you" I told
her. She thought for
a second and I could see that little light begin to
glow. "There are
many things in life we have no control over but picking
our in-laws is one
that you can and if Nana and her brood have taught us
anything it is that
picking the right in-laws is very, very important."
On a side note,
My other
brother-in-law (the good one) just bought a supercharger for a chebby truck
he's working on. He was telling me all about it and his plans for the truck. I
said "really, where did you get the money for that?" Seems he sold
some parts and did some trading. I asked the wife "WTF, he gets cash to
buy a supercharger yet they owe me 2 large for her college." Well it seems
the wife's sister didn't tell him that they owed us money. As my sister-in-law
put it "My husband would refuse the help". See that's one reason he
is my favorite brother-in-law. In all
fairness she is paying me back with a payroll allotment of $100 a month.
As for releasing the
lien: I can't do anything until he titles it but then neither can he. If he had
half a brain he would have the guy he bought it from get him another title for
it then license it and sell it without my lien on it but that takes brains and
the $$$ to pay your taxes.
Apparently I am getting all A's in a particular college
class right now. My sister-in-law asked me to look over her paper a few weeks
back. Now she's emailing me her work to "Look over". I emailed her
back and said "Dis' be whyz I not goes to Mizzuri Publik Scoolz",
gave her the rewritten paper and told her to tell me how I did on it. The wife
said "That's nice of you helping her out with her work". I told her
it will be even nicer when she turns in her next paper and it is total garbage.
I'm sure her professor will figure it out real soon.
Ohhhhh where are we now.
Page 1.
It seems that the
wife listed us as lien holder on the title to the B-I-L’s POS. He called to see
if he could get it released so he can sell the car for scrap. I looked at the
wife and said “No, if anyone is getting scrap money for that thing it is me”.
The wife shook her head “No it isn’t”. “Why not” I asked. “Because the title is
still in the sellers name.” It seems that the B-I-L hasn’t paid his taxes in a
while and cannot register anything so he has been running on someone else’s
plates for a year. I hold a lien on a POS that still belongs to someone else’s
as far as the state is concerned. That figures.
Page 2,
Since the B-I-L has
no job and no car he decided to start driving the M-I-L’s car. Now the troll
has moved to Columbia Mo. (if you are from the Columbia / Ashland area let me
know and I’ll tell you what she drives) so she has to come over here, drop off
her car then bum a ride back. She looked at me and said “I’m his mother, what
would you do?” By the hatred that followed my answer must have been wrong. I
suggested post pregnancy abortion.
Page 3.
I was looking online
at cars. I think I’ve decided to buy the wife something new and let my daughter
drive the tank. The M-I-L asked “Whatchadoin’?”. I said “I’m thinking of buying
your daughter a new car”. She looked at the page I was on and said “Which one?”
I said “I’ll start with your oldest daughter and keep buying till I’m broke.”
She said “No, which car.” “I didn’t think you would by your sister-in-laws a
car”. “Odd, you expected me to buy your son a car” I told her. Again, somehow
I’m the azzhole.
Page 4.
Yesterday we were
burning old hay and working around the yard. The M-I-L (sitting on a bench)
asked “What are you going to do with the Trans Am when you buy your wife a new
car?” I looked at her and as seriously as possible said “I’m giving it to your
son.” Her face started to glow. Then I finished my sentence “As soon as he buys
the car dealership that sells the car I will be trading it in on for your daughter.”
Extinguished that glow real quick like.
Page 5.
So after cleaning up
stuff (that didn’t matter last week) outside we moved into the house where the
kids were put to work cleaning. I said “OK, who is coming?” The wife says “I
told you, my great aunt will be here with my grandparents tomorrow.” Well I
would argue that she failed to tell me but I would lose as it is 2 against 1
and let’s face it, the husband will usually lose (one way or another) with
these types of arguments. I decided to just be facetious and asked “Is this the
aunt that drove drunk from Florida to Georgia to see our new baby girl and
managed to drive through a ditch and parked on top of my geraniums?” “Is this
the same lady that came to your great grandmother’s funeral and fell on top of
our daughter as she was to drunk to even sit up straight?” “Is this the
same……..” That was as far as I made it. In all fairness she is a sweet lady but
she will kill someone someday but they keep turning a blind eye.
So Friday we dropped off the radiator at the apartment where
he is squatting. It seems that it was also his birthday so the wife bought him
a present; a set of tools. Now the wife has her own money and when she buys
presents and such I usually don't give a ratsazz but as I saw this set of tools
arise from the back of her Durango I had to ask WTF. "So why is it when I
get a birthday present it's something cheesy yet he gets a friggin' set of
tools?" The wife looks at me and says "You already have a set of
tools in that box in the back of the shed." Well I'll be a SOB. Women are
a sly species ain't they.
The radiator swap
went well it seems but the the M-I-L calls to "chat" with the wife.
These "chats" are just her way of letting us know what we need to
waste money on next. It seems now that the radiator is fixed we are on to the
next issue. at least 1 head gasket is blown. The wife kindly informed her that
we were done with the matter and hung up the phone. I looked at her and she
says "What?". "How many times have I heard that phrase?" I
asked. She then asked how much head gaskets cost for a 5.2l Dodge. I said
"That depends". "Is it one or both heads, is/are the heads
warped, will he be doing this task all by himself, does he even know the torque
spec's......." It was about at this point the wife stopped me. "I get
it" she said.
Now the B-I-L has a
vehicle that I bought, he blew up, I paid $100 in parts and still doesn't run.
What happens next? Well let's just say my Trans-Am keys are now in my pocket.
So the new radiator just showed up. Snoop dummy dumb said he
can put it in all by his wittle self. I told the wife that was his code for
"I will screw this up royally". Well he called the wife and asked if
we had the tools to swap radiators out. I looked at the wife and said "I
thought Mr. Good wrench had this covered". The wife asked if he could
borrow mine.
Years ago I learned a
valuable lesson in life. When you get a shiny new tool don't show it off. Ohh
it will be tempting but as soon as you do people will start pestering the crap
out of you to borrow it. I came up with a fix to the problem.
The wife and I went
to the shed. I showed her my little tool box filled with rusty sockets and
broken ratchets, a few crescent wrenches and assorted crap. "See hun, all
my tools are missing or crap, I can't help him". Now tucked away in the
back of the shed I have a second tool box. The one that sits in the cardboard
box marked Hot Rod 1978-1992. As my wife has no real interest in anything
automotive (she is a Dodge owner after all) it is one place she will never
venture and my collection of tools stays safe from the B-I-L.
The phone call came
to an end at about this point. The wife turned to me and asked “So are you
going to?” I said “Yes to scratching myself but I can’t seem to find any John
Wayne movies on”. She said “You know what I mean”. I said “Do you feel like
working on the apartment?” She said “No”. I said OK, let’s get some food
together for your brother then I will surprise you”. We show up at the
apartment and my wife hands him a bag with lima beans, a box of apple stovetop
stuffing (who the hell thought that was a good combo) and a box of generic
frosted flakes. When I was packing the bag my wife asked “No milk?” I said “How
would that be funny?” She said it seemed a little mean. I had to inform her
that I ate dry cereal on many occasion and once had Mac and Cheese for 2 weeks
straight because it was on sale and I needed money to pay bills. “He will
live.” I told her. She told her brother we couldn’t stay because I was taking
the family somewhere but wouldn’t tell them. I said “Oh, I thought we could go
to Golden Corral”. I put the truck in drive and off we go. My son asked if we
were not going to take uncle deadbeat. I said “With all the food he has at his
place?” “No, he’s good”.
The first ignored mother-in-law call to the wife’s cell
phone took about 3 minutes. She was getting calls till she turned it off at 9
last night. I’m sure there is something on Face (Share with strangers your
dirty laundry) Book.
So I'm trying to relax after work. Got supper almost done
and the kids had finished pestering me and were now bugging the crap out of
each other. Then the phone rings. Seems the BIL's vehicle broke down. So supper
goes on the back burner and the wife and I load up to rescue him.
Seems he has been
having a bit of an overheating issue as of late. He fills it up before he
leaves then again on his way back home only this time he forgot to fill it back
up. When I say fills it up I mean completely from empty.
We get to where he is
at and he pops the hood. He has a crack running up the radiator starting at the
lower hose. I had 3 gallons of water with me so we filled it up. As we did I
asked if he stopped because it was getting hot or did it overheat and shut down
on him. He said "It started to knock real loud". "Do you think I
screwed it up". Ohhhhh no, not at all. He gets in and starts it and it
sounds like someone is hitting the motor with a sledge hammer. My wife asks
"Is it supposed to do that?" "Yes, yes it is" I said and
walked away. Seems my sarcasm was not appreciated. So dumb arse puts it in gear
and off he goes. I get in and drive the 7 miles home and low and behold there
he is in the driveway. Seems the wife invited him for dinner. Why not.
I'm sure a new
radiator will be on my shopping list
Well I have managed to be too busy to work on the apartment
for the last week. The Bro-n-law hasn’t said a word. The Ma-n-law has called
the wife every day. It starts out innocently enough.
MNL: Just calling to
see how you are doing.
Wife: About the same
as yesterday.
MNL: What are you
guys doing today?
Wife: Working?
MNL: On the
apartment?
Wife: Uhhhh no, on
the yard.
MNL: Well what are
you doing after that?
Wife: I don’t know.
MIL: Well maybe you
guys could go see your brother, he doesn’t have any food.
Wife: Yea, I think we
have something planned.
MIL: Like what?
ME: in the back
ground: Watching John Wayne movies and scratching myself.
MIL: Well I just
don’t understand why he (meaning me) doesn’t fix the bathroom.
ME: Well I just don’t
understand why a grown man doesn’t pay his bill and just mooches off everyone.
So I loaded the truck with 2 sets of mattresses, frames,
sink base, microwave and the shower surround. Drove into town looking like the
Clampett’s and pulled into the parking lot. There was Deadbeat working on the
Durango I bought him. He turns and walks up to the wife who then asked what was
wrong with his vehicle. "It’s been overheating." "I think I may
need a new ride." My face is now redder than my truck. I start dumping the
stuff inside the apartment and baggy pants finally comes over to help. The wife
asks him why he isn't running the A/C (he should, I'm friggin paying for it)
and he says it blows the mold throughout the apartment. I look at the bathroom
door and he has plastic duck taped over the bathroom door. I told him there
wasn't a return in the bathroom. He said it was pushing the air through the
plastic. I stood there staring at him for a second then said "Close the GD
bathroom vent then". As I look around I see his big screen LCD sitting on
top of cases of my vinyl flooring and full ashtrays everywhere. I turn and
leave while the wife converses with her brother for a bit.
I guess I came across
a bit rude. The wife asked what was wrong. I said "I shall list them in
order of least pissing me off to most".
10: I spent 2 days
helping a total stranger move her recently deceased mothers household good from
her mother’s home to the donation center. For this I received a basic 2 bedroom
apartment starter kit that the lady was kind enough to give to your brother.
She said she was happy to give it to someone that is in need and grateful for
the help. I had to lie to the lady and say your brother was grateful for the
stuff.
9:I had to load all
that crap into my truck
8: I had to drive
through town looking like an idiot to get it to him
7: He's hinting
around that he needs a new car yet hasn't paid for the POS he picked out and I
paid for.
6: The apartment was
just cleaned and painted. Now it reeks of cigarets.
5: He used duck tape
on the fresh paint. FUGGIN' DUCK TAPE.
4: I will have to
move all this crap back out and pay for disposal when he moves out.
3: He's never moving
out.
2: I hate him
1: If the bathroom is blocked off where does he pee?
I joined the military at 18. I worked, saved and invested.
Uncle Sam used me, broke me and now pays me. I took my money and bought some
rental properties for extra income. Now I have my retirement, my disability, my
old fugger retirement job and the rental income. I guess to a 29 year old high
school dropout whose longest job has been the Army Guard I'm someone to try and
sponge off of.
One of my 2 bedroom
apartments is empty. I'm slowly remolding it and am down to the bathroom. The
guy that owned/built it was a moron and I have to replace sheetrock with
greenboard, the shower surround and some other stuff. My deadbeat
brother-in-law has moved in until he goes to Afghanistan (now that he is off
probation) and has informed me that I need to completely guy the bathroom and
replace everything because he suspects black mold and has given me several
suggestions as to what type of replacement items I need. Seems a new tub is
needed as the one that is in it could be contaminated.
Now black mold is a
PITA but you can get rid of it. I showed him the affected areas and how I remove
all affected sheetrock then removed to the next stud to ensure the area was
clear. I used tea tree oil and a sprayer and the entire area was cleaned 3
times with a 1 week window in between. He pointed out an area by the exposed
faucet and said "Look, black mold". I said "No, scorched wood
from a MAPP gas torch. He got all bent out of shape because he worked
construction (for 3 days) and he knows what the hell he is talking about. I
said "Fine, get out of my apartment". He walked off mumbling under
his breath.
The next morning the
mother-in-law called. Just a friendly chat with the wife about how her son is
getting sick and it must be something in the apartment. She went on about how
it will be hard to rent if we don't fix it right. I said it will be hard to
rent because we won't be able to get her loser son out when he wiggles out of
his Afghanistan orders.
Now somehow I'm the bad guy.
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