The gathering.

So I come home and there are cars all over the driveway. It's my wife's birthday so the clan has arrived and I'm in for at least 3 days of hell. Well they were talking about the lotto being $500 million and my wife mentioned that she was going to buy $20 worth of tickets. One sister and the mother-in-law said they would throw in a few dollars and we can split it if we win. Now this part of the conversation perked my interest as I actually comprehend basic math and I'm rather sure $2 plus $2 does not equal half of the total cash input that this little venture will end up costing me. I cleared my throat and said "Y'all aren't getting half unless you are willing to put in equal amounts". Now I thought my statement was justified and I was willing to defend it so I awaited the first rebuttal. It came rather quickly when the mother-in-law said " If we win that much money does it really matter, I mean I would be happy with 1 million dollars". I said "Fine, if you put in $2 and we win you get 1 million dollars". Oddly that wasn't received well either. Then the mother-in-law said "What would you do with all that money anyway?" Now before I could answer she blurted out "I would buy 100 acres of land and we could all build houses on it and be close to each other". I spoke up and said "I need enough to buy the state of Montana". She looked at me and said "Why would you want to do that?" With a sh!ţ eating grin I said "So you would never find me again".


Then I got the "Just keep quiet till they leave please" look from the wife. Now somehow I'm the bad guy....AGAIN


 So now I'm hiding out in my bedroom watching the news when I hear all the laughter. Then the wife sends me a text "Get in here now". So I walk into the living room and they have youtube up on the TV and are watching a video of big fat folks dancing to "Sexy and I know it". It's so hideous that one of my nephews is actually hiding so he doesn't have to watch it. They are rolling on the floor and laughing like crazy. They look up at me to gauge my reaction but I just stare at the TV with a blank face and say "Oh, I see Nana found her home movies". The laughter stopped. TOUGH FREAKIN' CROWD AT MY PLACE TONIGHT. I think me and my boy are taking the convertible out for a spin for a while

Teaching my daughter to do her homework

So my daughter just exclaimed "Oh no, I have a poem to write for school". Seems she forgot that it was due. She was a bit frantic and couldn't come up with a thing to write about. I told her she should have been thinking of a topic and writing bits of the poem over the last week and she would be done by now. That drew the roll of the eyes and a sigh. She started her my world is going to end rant so I told her not to fear, daddy is here. She seemed a bit cheerier and sat back waiting for me to do her work for her. About 5 minutes later I was done. I sat her down and as I read I watched her eyes light up. Well maybe not "light up". More of a pissed of glare. Anyway, here was the poem I wrote for her.



Ode to a turd

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of mine
Why did you leave from my behind

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of yours
Why can’t you take that smell outdoors

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of we
Why did you poke out when we went to pee

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of us
So large that you made us cuss

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of man
Please just get out as fast as you can


She stared at me for a second and then said "I can't use that". I said "You can use the moral of the story". "What moral is that?" she asked. I said "Don't wait for someone else to do your work at the last minute or you may just get something that is a bunch of sh!t".

Please don't drink and drive

In 1987 I was home on leave and driving a '77 F150 with my father behind me in a Grand Am.  A suburban crossed the center line and sideswiped me and flipped the truck onto its passenger side.  The truck didn't have seat belts anymore and back then I was never one to use them anyway. I recall every second of that day and remember distinctly the feeling of anxiety and fear as I traveled off the side of the road while starring at the ground moving by me in the now missing passenger window area. I managed to not get caught in the opening as the vehicle continued forward until hitting a telephone pole and crushing the driver’s side of the cab just above me. I scrambled out of the broken back window as fast as I could, knowing that my father would be worried that I was hurt or killed.  Looking over the back of the truck I saw the suburban and my dad’s Grand Am fused together.  Very few times in my life has time seemed to pass by me so fast as I moved in slow motion but on this particular day it did. When I reached my dad he seemed to be gasping for breath and staring straight ahead. I removed his seatbelt and checked for a pulse but by then it was too late and I’m sure he was gone instantly.

The accident made the local news but I wasn’t concerned with watching it until I started hearing the “If he were wearing his seatbelt” remarks. Seems the news reported that the police report said that he was not wearing his seat belt and it would have saved his life if he was. It also reported that I was able to walk away because I was wearing mine. Enraged I called the news station and complained but they said they were only following the police report. I called the investigator who said the officer was the first responder and noted no seat belt on my father and that for me to survive I must have been wearing mine.  I kindly informed him that I was actually the first responder and the report was flawed at best. He began to inform me of exactly what a first responder was when I interrupted him and asked if he wanted my badge number and duty location to confirm my status as a certified first responder. He told me that even if I were trained I was not emotionally capable at the moment to function in such a manner and cited a comment in the report where I was unable to remember the other driver in the suburban.  I had to point out that what I actually said was that the other vehicle had no visible driver.  That seem to bolster his argument (at least in his mind) and he tried to argue that it would be impossible for the vehicle to operate without a driver. I said “It would if he had passed out and slumped to the side where he would no longer be visible”. I then asked about the BAT and was told that they were waiting on him to regain conciseness to get consent.  I told them that they better find a f#$king judge before I find the sleaziest ambulance chaser I can and take them for everything the county has.  12 hrs after the accident he had a BAC of almost .2.  The investigator asked me if I had checked on the other driver and I told him no. He asked why and I told him he was not of concern to me and if I were to have checked on him and discovered he was drunk I would have killed him. He said “Then you would have been arrested.” I told him “I had a 10 minute window of opportunity.”  “You would never have known.” The conversation ended there.

About a year later I flew back from Germany for the trial. The judge asked if we had anything to say before sentencing and my mother stood up and told the man that she forgave him because that is what Jesus would want from her.  Then I was asked if I had any words.  I stood as my widowed mother held my hand and he looked over at me with tears in his eyes.  I turned to him and said “I will see you in Hell!” and sat back down.  For some reason he looked shocked. I’m not sure why but I can only assume he thought that I would follow the “WWJD” mantra but I guess he failed to realize that I’m not Jesus.

The judge looked over at him and sentenced him to 12 months with time being served between the 6 months in county and his 6 month out on bond and his license revoked for 12 months. So basically he walked from the court room owing no more time and able to get his license that day. My father was a 30 year army veteran, served 2 tours in Korea and one in Vietnam. His life, according to the courts, was worth 6 months total jail time. For the rest of my life I will always regret a missed opportunity.