I walked into my living room one morning. This was a rare event for me as I have become accustomed to holding up in my secure lair (the bedroom). The need for food had brought me to the kitchen. As I stood their in my Underoos, scratching myself and looking to see if the leaches had left any of the 5 boxes of cereal I had just bought the day before, a movement caught my eye. It was way too early for the TGL or Crack Whore Betty to be up. It was barely past noon. The mother-in-law had finally found a job, so it wasn’t her. To tall to be the kids. Wife was still hiding out in the sanctuary. Who the hell was in my living room?
I stepped in and kindly asked,” Before I kill you would you kindly tell me who the hell you are and what the hell you are doing in my house?” I’m no Terminator but at 6’2” and 260 lbs, carving knife in my hand and with what I’m assuming was my best look of hate, I believe I got the young mans attention.” I, uh well I’m waiting for, uh.”
Just then the brother-in-law stepped through the basement door. “Oh yea’ I told him he could come in” my brother-in-law told me. This brought up several new topics of conversation that, by the speed of my brother-in-law heading towards the door, he was trying to avoid. “Hold on there Snoop Dummy Dumbs” I told them both. In all fairness, the friend hadn’t moved an inch since he first spotted me. “I need to know two things.” First: How did he get into my house with the door locked? Second: “Why on Gods green earth do you think you have the right to invite anyone into my house?” “If I remember right, I don’t want you here, much less your deadbeat friends.” The first answer was a little disturbing. “I forgot to lock it last night.” “So all of your loser friends know that my house is an easy target?” Hell, he had probably already hocked half of my crap anyway.
After muttering something and checking to see if his pants are properly hanging off of his ass he and his friend left. I waved and told the nice gentleman I just met to please come see me again because next time I’ll send his ass to the pokey.
I went back into the kitchen and looked through the cereal boxes. Empty. Those two burn a lot of incense and eat a lot of dry cereal. Hum
I went to my bedroom so as to inform the wife in on my little visit. She was shocked, but again asked that she be allowed to handle it. I said O.K. (remember, I’m stupid) but told her that as soon as the happy hooker downstairs leaves today I’m tossing their room. If I find anything I’m calling the sheriff. In hindsight I guess I should have talked in a lower voice as they were staying directly under me and I can only assume that she heard me. 15 minutes later the happy hooker's sister was in my drive and she was hauling ass outside.
This was the first time I had actually seen my basement since they had moved in. I only had the mother-in-law’s suite done so they were stuck with a bare cement basement filled with all of our crap. Back in the corner I noticed how nicely they had taken my sheets and nailed them to the rafters so as to make a room for themselves. The center piece was my wife’s prized Egyptian sheets. Nicely stretched between the two nails hammered through them, it really set the room apart from the rest of the basement. I decided to call the wife down and as I was flipping the mattress to see what I could find she was flipping out about here sheets. “I’m done.” “I want them out now.” “I can’t take any more.” She went on like that for the next half hour. “Welcome to my world” I told her. “They weren’t your sheets” she said. “Damn, if I knew that was what it would take I would have burned the f#ckers and blamed them for it weeks ago.
I found no drugs, but TGL and the girl he loves (and for $25 you can love her to) soon moved out. Now I was back to just the Maw-n-law to deal with.
I stepped in and kindly asked,” Before I kill you would you kindly tell me who the hell you are and what the hell you are doing in my house?” I’m no Terminator but at 6’2” and 260 lbs, carving knife in my hand and with what I’m assuming was my best look of hate, I believe I got the young mans attention.” I, uh well I’m waiting for, uh.”
Just then the brother-in-law stepped through the basement door. “Oh yea’ I told him he could come in” my brother-in-law told me. This brought up several new topics of conversation that, by the speed of my brother-in-law heading towards the door, he was trying to avoid. “Hold on there Snoop Dummy Dumbs” I told them both. In all fairness, the friend hadn’t moved an inch since he first spotted me. “I need to know two things.” First: How did he get into my house with the door locked? Second: “Why on Gods green earth do you think you have the right to invite anyone into my house?” “If I remember right, I don’t want you here, much less your deadbeat friends.” The first answer was a little disturbing. “I forgot to lock it last night.” “So all of your loser friends know that my house is an easy target?” Hell, he had probably already hocked half of my crap anyway.
After muttering something and checking to see if his pants are properly hanging off of his ass he and his friend left. I waved and told the nice gentleman I just met to please come see me again because next time I’ll send his ass to the pokey.
I went back into the kitchen and looked through the cereal boxes. Empty. Those two burn a lot of incense and eat a lot of dry cereal. Hum
I went to my bedroom so as to inform the wife in on my little visit. She was shocked, but again asked that she be allowed to handle it. I said O.K. (remember, I’m stupid) but told her that as soon as the happy hooker downstairs leaves today I’m tossing their room. If I find anything I’m calling the sheriff. In hindsight I guess I should have talked in a lower voice as they were staying directly under me and I can only assume that she heard me. 15 minutes later the happy hooker's sister was in my drive and she was hauling ass outside.
This was the first time I had actually seen my basement since they had moved in. I only had the mother-in-law’s suite done so they were stuck with a bare cement basement filled with all of our crap. Back in the corner I noticed how nicely they had taken my sheets and nailed them to the rafters so as to make a room for themselves. The center piece was my wife’s prized Egyptian sheets. Nicely stretched between the two nails hammered through them, it really set the room apart from the rest of the basement. I decided to call the wife down and as I was flipping the mattress to see what I could find she was flipping out about here sheets. “I’m done.” “I want them out now.” “I can’t take any more.” She went on like that for the next half hour. “Welcome to my world” I told her. “They weren’t your sheets” she said. “Damn, if I knew that was what it would take I would have burned the f#ckers and blamed them for it weeks ago.
I found no drugs, but TGL and the girl he loves (and for $25 you can love her to) soon moved out. Now I was back to just the Maw-n-law to deal with.
You know that feeling when gas prices shoot up then go back down some but never as low as before. You are happy it’s cheaper but still pissed it isn’t the way it use to be. That was me at that moment.
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