Well I have managed to be too busy to work on the apartment for the last week. The Bro-n-law hasn’t said a word. The Ma-n-law has called the wife every day. It starts out innocently enough.

 

 MNL: Just calling to see how you are doing.

 

 Wife: About the same as yesterday.

 

 MNL: What are you guys doing today?

 

 Wife: Working?

 

 MNL: On the apartment?

 

 Wife: Uhhhh no, on the yard.

 

 MNL: Well what are you doing after that?

 

 Wife: I don’t know.

 

 MIL: Well maybe you guys could go see your brother, he doesn’t have any food.

 

 Wife: Yea, I think we have something planned.

 

 MIL: Like what?

 

 ME: in the back ground: Watching John Wayne movies and scratching myself.

 

 MIL: Well I just don’t understand why he (meaning me) doesn’t fix the bathroom.

 

 ME: Well I just don’t understand why a grown man doesn’t pay his bill and just mooches off everyone.

So I loaded the truck with 2 sets of mattresses, frames, sink base, microwave and the shower surround. Drove into town looking like the Clampett’s and pulled into the parking lot. There was Deadbeat working on the Durango I bought him. He turns and walks up to the wife who then asked what was wrong with his vehicle. "It’s been overheating." "I think I may need a new ride." My face is now redder than my truck. I start dumping the stuff inside the apartment and baggy pants finally comes over to help. The wife asks him why he isn't running the A/C (he should, I'm friggin paying for it) and he says it blows the mold throughout the apartment. I look at the bathroom door and he has plastic duck taped over the bathroom door. I told him there wasn't a return in the bathroom. He said it was pushing the air through the plastic. I stood there staring at him for a second then said "Close the GD bathroom vent then". As I look around I see his big screen LCD sitting on top of cases of my vinyl flooring and full ashtrays everywhere. I turn and leave while the wife converses with her brother for a bit.

 

 I guess I came across a bit rude. The wife asked what was wrong. I said "I shall list them in order of least pissing me off to most".

 10: I spent 2 days helping a total stranger move her recently deceased mothers household good from her mother’s home to the donation center. For this I received a basic 2 bedroom apartment starter kit that the lady was kind enough to give to your brother. She said she was happy to give it to someone that is in need and grateful for the help. I had to lie to the lady and say your brother was grateful for the stuff.

 9:I had to load all that crap into my truck

 8: I had to drive through town looking like an idiot to get it to him

 7: He's hinting around that he needs a new car yet hasn't paid for the POS he picked out and I paid for.

 6: The apartment was just cleaned and painted. Now it reeks of cigarets.

 5: He used duck tape on the fresh paint. FUGGIN' DUCK TAPE.

 4: I will have to move all this crap back out and pay for disposal when he moves out.

 3: He's never moving out.

 2: I hate him

1: If the bathroom is blocked off where does he pee?

I joined the military at 18. I worked, saved and invested. Uncle Sam used me, broke me and now pays me. I took my money and bought some rental properties for extra income. Now I have my retirement, my disability, my old fugger retirement job and the rental income. I guess to a 29 year old high school dropout whose longest job has been the Army Guard I'm someone to try and sponge off of.

 

 One of my 2 bedroom apartments is empty. I'm slowly remolding it and am down to the bathroom. The guy that owned/built it was a moron and I have to replace sheetrock with greenboard, the shower surround and some other stuff. My deadbeat brother-in-law has moved in until he goes to Afghanistan (now that he is off probation) and has informed me that I need to completely guy the bathroom and replace everything because he suspects black mold and has given me several suggestions as to what type of replacement items I need. Seems a new tub is needed as the one that is in it could be contaminated.

 

 Now black mold is a PITA but you can get rid of it. I showed him the affected areas and how I remove all affected sheetrock then removed to the next stud to ensure the area was clear. I used tea tree oil and a sprayer and the entire area was cleaned 3 times with a 1 week window in between. He pointed out an area by the exposed faucet and said "Look, black mold". I said "No, scorched wood from a MAPP gas torch. He got all bent out of shape because he worked construction (for 3 days) and he knows what the hell he is talking about. I said "Fine, get out of my apartment". He walked off mumbling under his breath.

 

 The next morning the mother-in-law called. Just a friendly chat with the wife about how her son is getting sick and it must be something in the apartment. She went on about how it will be hard to rent if we don't fix it right. I said it will be hard to rent because we won't be able to get her loser son out when he wiggles out of his Afghanistan orders.

 Now somehow I'm the bad guy.

Why is it my main form of transportation seems to be the crazy train?

One thing I learned when I was a cop is you never take sides in a domestic dispute.  That rule becomes fuzzy when it concerns family and love ‘em or hate ‘em in-laws are by legal definition “Family”.

My sister-in-law and her whacked out hubby have been playing this silly game their entire marriage. It’s the age old game of  “I HATE YOU, GET OUT” “I’m sorry baby, come back” that in the end has no winners, only losers.  When I first got the call I was in my car and on the way to rescue my sister-in-law. The proverbial Knight in Shining Armor, riding up in a steed of metal to save the day.  Well after a dozen or so of these little ventures my response time had slipped to the point of just ignoring the situation for the most part.  I knew better than to believe that this situation would be any different than any other domestic issue but it took me years to relearn this rookie lesson. 

This last phone call was different.  It was one of those seemingly routine rants about him pulling his crap that I had become immune to but suddenly I got that feeling. The feeling you get when you just know something bad is going to happen. A pending doom if you will. Seems Jack Ass has been on psych meds for a while and had decided he was fine to just stop taking them.  Seems a lot was going on that I was not aware of.

Note to anyone still in the dating scene. If your possible future spouse relies on medication to remain sane may I suggest something?  Go to Payless and find a nice pair of running shoes and put them to work. Run. Run far, run fast, run long. I don’t care how you run but for Gods sake run.

Due to stupid decisions when she was a teen my sister-in-law can no longer own firearms or ammo.  Her stupid ass hubby got himself in trouble but took all the cash they had and managed to get his knocked down so he can. Now in all fairness the sister-in-law could have done the same but since he took her money that was to pay fines her case snowballed and she was found in contempt. So now she and her kids live in a house with a nut job off his meds and is heavily armed with weapons she cannot be around.  He used that as one of many ways to keep her in line. He would tell her that he would call the cops and tell them she had a gun and they would take her away unless she agreed to basically be her slave.  As much as my in-laws piss me off I cannot allow that to continue but until I was made aware of the situation it did.

The call came from my niece.  Still to young for a cell phone in my opinion but when I saw the number I had assumed she butt dialed.  I soon discovered why she was given a phone by her mom. She was her emergency operator directed to call me or 911 upon impending insanity and chaos.  What started off as another crazy spell and him taking off turned into a “GTFO of my house” followed by “We would be better off if you killed yourself” and was ending with his insistences that she went with him to some property they had bought way out in the boonies.  She refused and he went even more nuts. The cops show up and he goes into victim mode.  She’s causing all the turmoil and he is just trying to get alone. She and her family are just vindictive (OK, that part he may have them on) and all he wants is her gone.  One of the cops looks at him and said “Get real, I know how many domestics we have been called out her for”.  The brother-in-law just shut up at that point. The cops then told them both they are not to remove the children’s toys and they could take clothing and HBA items. My sister-in-law grabbed the kids and came out to our house. 

Once we got everyone calmed down all seemed OK. Then the text messages started.  This is where I discovered just how nuts this guy was.  My sister-in-law was saving her money so she could get a place to stay but it had been hard.  She was only allowed to shop for food that was on his list and it didn’t include anything for her and little for the kids.  If they wanted something she would need to pay for it. He also stopped paying the rent and other bills. Where that money went is anyone’s guess.  She was smart enough to take out half of their money though. Once he discovered that he was livid.  He accused her of stealing his money. She informed him that it is their money and she took half.  “As a matter of fact, I left you with $28 more that I took so you owe me $14” she told him. Well now it seems like she is ready to move on with her life and get the kids out of that mess.

There is one big problem with someone coming out of a marriage where every aspect of their lives had been controlled since they were a teenager.  They cannot make any decisions at all.  I asked, “So what have you got planned?”  Nothing planned.  “So where are you moving to?”  Not a clue.  Well this was gonna be fun I thought. Just then Nana spoke up.  She had all the answers and they were all stupid ones.  I called her out on them and informed her just how stupid they were. Odd how that didn’t go over well.  We all decided to go to sleep as we would have to go get her stuff the following morning.  Ass Hole Hubby should be at work so it should go easy……………………………Yea, you know better than that by now.

The gathering.

So I come home and there are cars all over the driveway. It's my wife's birthday so the clan has arrived and I'm in for at least 3 days of hell. Well they were talking about the lotto being $500 million and my wife mentioned that she was going to buy $20 worth of tickets. One sister and the mother-in-law said they would throw in a few dollars and we can split it if we win. Now this part of the conversation perked my interest as I actually comprehend basic math and I'm rather sure $2 plus $2 does not equal half of the total cash input that this little venture will end up costing me. I cleared my throat and said "Y'all aren't getting half unless you are willing to put in equal amounts". Now I thought my statement was justified and I was willing to defend it so I awaited the first rebuttal. It came rather quickly when the mother-in-law said " If we win that much money does it really matter, I mean I would be happy with 1 million dollars". I said "Fine, if you put in $2 and we win you get 1 million dollars". Oddly that wasn't received well either. Then the mother-in-law said "What would you do with all that money anyway?" Now before I could answer she blurted out "I would buy 100 acres of land and we could all build houses on it and be close to each other". I spoke up and said "I need enough to buy the state of Montana". She looked at me and said "Why would you want to do that?" With a sh!ţ eating grin I said "So you would never find me again".


Then I got the "Just keep quiet till they leave please" look from the wife. Now somehow I'm the bad guy....AGAIN


 So now I'm hiding out in my bedroom watching the news when I hear all the laughter. Then the wife sends me a text "Get in here now". So I walk into the living room and they have youtube up on the TV and are watching a video of big fat folks dancing to "Sexy and I know it". It's so hideous that one of my nephews is actually hiding so he doesn't have to watch it. They are rolling on the floor and laughing like crazy. They look up at me to gauge my reaction but I just stare at the TV with a blank face and say "Oh, I see Nana found her home movies". The laughter stopped. TOUGH FREAKIN' CROWD AT MY PLACE TONIGHT. I think me and my boy are taking the convertible out for a spin for a while

Teaching my daughter to do her homework

So my daughter just exclaimed "Oh no, I have a poem to write for school". Seems she forgot that it was due. She was a bit frantic and couldn't come up with a thing to write about. I told her she should have been thinking of a topic and writing bits of the poem over the last week and she would be done by now. That drew the roll of the eyes and a sigh. She started her my world is going to end rant so I told her not to fear, daddy is here. She seemed a bit cheerier and sat back waiting for me to do her work for her. About 5 minutes later I was done. I sat her down and as I read I watched her eyes light up. Well maybe not "light up". More of a pissed of glare. Anyway, here was the poem I wrote for her.



Ode to a turd

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of mine
Why did you leave from my behind

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of yours
Why can’t you take that smell outdoors

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of we
Why did you poke out when we went to pee

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of us
So large that you made us cuss

Oh turd, oh turd, oh turd of man
Please just get out as fast as you can


She stared at me for a second and then said "I can't use that". I said "You can use the moral of the story". "What moral is that?" she asked. I said "Don't wait for someone else to do your work at the last minute or you may just get something that is a bunch of sh!t".

Please don't drink and drive

In 1987 I was home on leave and driving a '77 F150 with my father behind me in a Grand Am.  A suburban crossed the center line and sideswiped me and flipped the truck onto its passenger side.  The truck didn't have seat belts anymore and back then I was never one to use them anyway. I recall every second of that day and remember distinctly the feeling of anxiety and fear as I traveled off the side of the road while starring at the ground moving by me in the now missing passenger window area. I managed to not get caught in the opening as the vehicle continued forward until hitting a telephone pole and crushing the driver’s side of the cab just above me. I scrambled out of the broken back window as fast as I could, knowing that my father would be worried that I was hurt or killed.  Looking over the back of the truck I saw the suburban and my dad’s Grand Am fused together.  Very few times in my life has time seemed to pass by me so fast as I moved in slow motion but on this particular day it did. When I reached my dad he seemed to be gasping for breath and staring straight ahead. I removed his seatbelt and checked for a pulse but by then it was too late and I’m sure he was gone instantly.

The accident made the local news but I wasn’t concerned with watching it until I started hearing the “If he were wearing his seatbelt” remarks. Seems the news reported that the police report said that he was not wearing his seat belt and it would have saved his life if he was. It also reported that I was able to walk away because I was wearing mine. Enraged I called the news station and complained but they said they were only following the police report. I called the investigator who said the officer was the first responder and noted no seat belt on my father and that for me to survive I must have been wearing mine.  I kindly informed him that I was actually the first responder and the report was flawed at best. He began to inform me of exactly what a first responder was when I interrupted him and asked if he wanted my badge number and duty location to confirm my status as a certified first responder. He told me that even if I were trained I was not emotionally capable at the moment to function in such a manner and cited a comment in the report where I was unable to remember the other driver in the suburban.  I had to point out that what I actually said was that the other vehicle had no visible driver.  That seem to bolster his argument (at least in his mind) and he tried to argue that it would be impossible for the vehicle to operate without a driver. I said “It would if he had passed out and slumped to the side where he would no longer be visible”. I then asked about the BAT and was told that they were waiting on him to regain conciseness to get consent.  I told them that they better find a f#$king judge before I find the sleaziest ambulance chaser I can and take them for everything the county has.  12 hrs after the accident he had a BAC of almost .2.  The investigator asked me if I had checked on the other driver and I told him no. He asked why and I told him he was not of concern to me and if I were to have checked on him and discovered he was drunk I would have killed him. He said “Then you would have been arrested.” I told him “I had a 10 minute window of opportunity.”  “You would never have known.” The conversation ended there.

About a year later I flew back from Germany for the trial. The judge asked if we had anything to say before sentencing and my mother stood up and told the man that she forgave him because that is what Jesus would want from her.  Then I was asked if I had any words.  I stood as my widowed mother held my hand and he looked over at me with tears in his eyes.  I turned to him and said “I will see you in Hell!” and sat back down.  For some reason he looked shocked. I’m not sure why but I can only assume he thought that I would follow the “WWJD” mantra but I guess he failed to realize that I’m not Jesus.

The judge looked over at him and sentenced him to 12 months with time being served between the 6 months in county and his 6 month out on bond and his license revoked for 12 months. So basically he walked from the court room owing no more time and able to get his license that day. My father was a 30 year army veteran, served 2 tours in Korea and one in Vietnam. His life, according to the courts, was worth 6 months total jail time. For the rest of my life I will always regret a missed opportunity.