I did get a new job. It’s a 75 mile drive one way but the place is awesome to work for. The name tags have the date you started and most of them are showing 5-35 years. Once the wife’s grandparents heard they couldn’t believe I was driving 3 hours each way to go to work and said it would never last with that drive. Apparently judging drive time by miles driven isn’t one of their strong points. As for the distance, I was one of the few holdouts in my neighborhood that wasn’t driving that far for work. When you live in a town where jobs that require a degree are around $15 hr, you drive a ways to work. Besides, I have a whole hour and twenty minutes from the time I leave work till I have to hear about what (insert in-laws name here) did.

I am apparently on the **** list from another SIL and BIL. After the big family fight at my house, the SIL went crying to her hubby. Now, I have always called him the good BIL but it seems that her version of events have caused him to dislike me.* I keep hearing how they do for me and we never help them out. He’s a mechanic and **** hot welder and has helped me out at times. We have bought them groceries without being paid back, watched their kids when needed, loaned them money and let them borrow stuff that somehow becomes their property. Not sure how I’m the bad guy again, but I really don’t care enough to put in the effort to clarify the issue. The wife’s grandparents, whom have treated me like their own, are upset with me as well. The MIL told them her version of events from the day I called her a ****ing bitch. She left out a few details, like calling my son (her grandson) a little bastard first. She also forgot that she started it all, she was threatening the wife and she starts **** every time she comes over. The other SIL did come to my defense though. Not sure if that really helped. It’s kind of like Mussolini defending Patton to the Brits for hurting Hitler’s feelings.*

OK, it’s been a while. Since Nana moved a few years back most of the drama has moved with her.

 Crack Whore Betty was pregnant with twins but lost them. She did the whole donate money to me thing and then she was carrying around a box with some baby stuff in it for a while. When people would ask her “What’s in the box” she would say “My babies.” Yea, she’s that creepy. Right after she got home from the hospital she started bleeding.* The BIL drove her to the local hospital and CWB and her mom were cussing him out for not taking the hour drive to the big city hospital. The doctor said she wouldn’t have made it that long and just did get to their hospital in time. That didn’t matter to nut job and her mom; the BIL was still at fault for something. I blame him for not listening to them; or for not stopping to get a soda or something.

Well, crack whore Betty seems to be missing. Her car is at home, her phone is shut off and my son said "so what's the problem?" and pissed Nana off. I gave him a high 5.

Well, happy ****ing mother’s day.

 Nana decided to stay for a while since she shattered her leg and in in recovery. I had mother’s day planned out but that went out the window. She showed up Thursday and immediately bitched about the TV. I got rid of satellite and we have antenna only now. Well, she can see her Dog the Bounty Hunter but at least she can watch all the Jerry Springer trash bull****. About 2 hours ago the rest of the clan showed up for the mother’s day fiasco.  We just finished a 45 minute shouting match and I threw them all out. How am I the bad guy. Well, nana can't go anywhere because her other kids told he she can't stay with them.

Ohhhh, I was not sane. Years if putting up with bull**** just unplugged. The neighbors got a good show though. One sister in law decided to fall on my porch so Im betting a law suit. Now nana is wanting to talked to me. I thought when I called her a goddamn Bitch and told her to get the **** out and never come back I had made my point.

 

 It started because she gave my son the look, according to him. He said; don't look at me that way. That set her off and I told him to go into my room.

 Well, at some point she called him a little bastard and that was the end if that bull****. I also informed her what a loser her son is and how they both take advantage of me. Seems she sees it as I take advantage of them. I told her she was a stupid Bitch then. Kinda went downhill after that.

Yea, food just gone done cooking and they all took what they could and left (except for nana). Now I have some nasty ass spinach dip and corn on the cob left. All the meat and good sides along with the chips are long gone. Guess it was a good thing I just finished the sister-in-laws final paper. Seems I'm a favorite with her professor and holding an A. Odd how I never do for them.  I need to start writing papers for cash. I just wrote a final paper from the perspective of the female view point as it concerns the UN and its role on women’s healthy and the infant mortality rate.  I made her to be an anarchist.

Day 2.

 Nana was scheduled for surgery on Tuesday. My wife and S-I-L had to be there (I don’t blame them for being there for a surgery) and the school and bus company were made very, very, very aware that her kids would be dropped off at my house. VERY AWARE. I get home and do some dishes and begin supper. Soon I heard the pitter patter of Hell and ‘Yun and the cry from my son, “stop walking on the laptop, stop pushing each other, stop hitting……….(you get the idea). I figured that the wife and S-I-L would be late again so I made enough of my twice baked spaghetti with pepperoni to feed everyone. One thing I learned from Grandma Falcon was you always offered a meal. I would have fed them the day before but I didn’t have enough and if you don’t make the same thing they will fight and bitch because one person got something the other didn’t.

 Well, supper was ready and I had the twins sit at the bar in the kitchen. I wasn’t about to trust them with spaghetti and tea on my carpet and the kitchen table had the wife’s scrapbook stuff on it. All was good for the first few minutes. Each had a plate of spaghetti and was chowin’ down. Then they got quiet, too quiet. I heard an odd sliding noise and had my boy go look to see what was going on. “Stoooppppp” the boy yelled, but it was too late. Seems Hell and ‘Yun were playing crash up derby with their glasses of tea and just as the boy yelled, one of them won. The sound of glass shattering was quickly followed by a simultaneous “I didn’t do it.” On the floor laid one of my wife’s fine McDonald’s Coke glasses. On the counter stat the other, tipped over with tea everywhere, but victorious in battle. I also noticed that their plates were pushed around and one still had a pile of spaghetti on it. I asked “who didn’t eat?” and they both said “I ate.” I looked at the full plate again and noticed that all of the baked cheese and pepperonis’ were missing. I looked on the stove at the rest of the first container and the other one I had made for leftovers and my lunch for the next day and shook my head. One (or both) had dug through all of the spaghetti and removed, then ate all the cheese and pepperoni from the rest of the food. Neither one of the little turds would admit to the crime, each blaming the other; then the tears started. Seems accusing them of anything invokes this response. Mommy doesn’t want to accuse without knowing or cause hurt feelings by pointing out. Fkuc that; “get your happy asses on the couches.” One on one side of the room the other on the opposite side.“From now till your mom gets home you are in my sight while I watch the news.” “Yea, I’m watching it on the Spanish speaking station so you can’t even understand what they are saying; deal with it!” How the hell can 2 little kids find news from Mexico so funny? Those ****s laughed the whole time. Well, after a few minutes of that failure I decided to let them go outside. They jumped up and ran towards the door. “Hold on there **** and Head, grab those 1 gallon buckets first.” They looked at me, then ran over and grabbed them, thinking it was time to play in the dirt. “Don’t leave the water running between trips from the hose to the water trough.” 100 gallons to fill it, 2 one gallon containers at a time. Finally, back to the news in a foreign language and some peace and quiet. * Yea, right.

 

I hear the ruckus outside and call for the boy to go check on the twins but I get no answer. “Well ****, guess I’ll go check on them.” As soon as I open the door I see the twins and the boy running around like three idiots, screaming and trying to get to “base”. Seems the boy went outside and the twins went from hauling water to throwing water to all of them playing hide and seek. My son came running out of the daughters Durango and headed towards my truck (base) with Hell right behind him. Yun’ was nowhere to be seen. Heard yes but seen, no. I saw my 12’ V nose trailer shaking a bit and then watched as the rear dropped to the ground. Seems Yun’ decided to hide in it and as he walked to the back of it, sat the trailer on its ass. I still have some square bales in it and needed to shift some to the front but I figured as long as no one took another bale from the front, it would be OK; didn’t think about Frick and Frack Fruckin’ things up. Well, I guess Yun’ panicked a bit when he went tumbling into the rear door of the trailer and screamed. The other 2 found humor in his misfortune, which soon turned to an overwhelming desire to play teeter totter with my trailer. As this was occurring, I was hobbling my arse out as fast as I could to stop them, my own screams being completely ignored. I get to the front of the trailer, where Hell and the boy were sitting on the tongue, and tell them to stop. I guess me saying “STOP” translated to “Hey, without regards to my trailer why don’t you jump off the tongue so Yun’ will go flopping back down.” After the last flop onto its rear, the boy and Hell took off for the front porch while I opened the door to the trailer. Inside was Yun’, covered in hay and grinning like the Cheshire cat. He was ready for more; I was ready to strangle all of them. I stepped on the tongue of the trailer, placing it back on the ground, and shooed the little turd out. Now all three of them were standing on the front porch asking, “What can we do for fun?” I said, “Grab some sticks and joust cars out on the road.”The twins immediately started looking for sticks, I can only assume they had no idea what jousting was. Just then their dad turned down the gravel road; finally my 2 day ordeal was over. Nana was in a rehab home for 2 weeks and the buzz in the air is that she will need 6 more weeks at home, with people who can help her.

 That cold chill up my back, it has returned.

The wife gets a call on Monday morning; seems Nana has hurt her leg and no one will take her to the hospital. The wife calls me to let me know she is driving the near 200 mile round trip to get limpzilla to the ER. I asked “Why doesn’t she just call for an ambulance?” No real answer for that bit of advice. Well, I get back to work and forget about the problem; that is until I get an email. Seems I must pick up my twin nephews when they get out of school.* I had to ask the obvious question, “Why can’t your sister do it?” Well, it seems that the S-I-L went with the wife. That, in turn, brought up the next question. Why does it take two of you to drive her to the ER? I was all ready to answer my own question with a snide remark about Nana’s weight and the need for a 2 person transfer when the next email came in. Seems Sunday night Nana tried to do the splits, with flip flops on and flopped instead of flipped. One leg went forward; the other went back and did a Theismann.* I emailed back and asked why the hell she didn’t go to the ER last night.* Seems Nana was going to rest her leg and see if it felt better the next day. Now, how the hell do you even begin to think that a compound fracture will “fell better in the morning?” Since we were emailing back and forth I decided to ask another obvious question. Why can’t the twins ride the bus to our house? Seems that they don’t like riding the bus. I informed the wife( to inform the S-I-L) that I would be waiting for them to get off the bus. If they were still at school after the bus left, they needed to start walking their 3rd*grade butts 10 miles north then turn left; I’d be waiting on the porch.

 

I get home about 30 minutes before the twins should be let off the bus, get me an ice tea and plop my fat ass on the front porch bench. After a while I see the bus stop across the street, let the neighbor kids off, back into my yard, and miss my mailbox (for a change) then leave. “Huh”, I thought, guess they are walking. I take another sip of tea and call the dogs to come into the house. It was TV time. Just then the phone rang. “Are my kids there yet?” I was asked. “Nope” I said. “Did the bus show up?” she screamed. “Yep, then it left without dropping the twins off.”* “Well where are they then?” she asked, ever so politely. “How the hell am I supposed to know?” “I’m guessing at least 2 miles closet towards my place if they are walking.”* Not the thing to tell a nervous mom I guess. She hung up to call the school. I knew one of three things could happen that afternoon. 1, they get on the bus and are dropped off at my place. Well that was a no. 2, they missed the bus and were still at school. Knowing that the school would call her to let her know they missed the bus, I was betting that wasn’t the answer either. That leaves option 3. They got on their normal bus and got dropped off at their own house. I had my keys in hand and was walking to the truck to go pick them up when the phone rang again. “THE BUS DRIVER DROPPED THEM OFF AT MY HOUSE……..ALL BY THEMSELVES!” “Yea, I’m already on my way” I said. “Well, if you knew they were at my house why didn’t you say so?” “How would that have been funny” I said. Now, if you knew my nephews you would understand why I call them Hell and ‘Yun. If a stranger, a mad dog or a bear had come after them while they were “all alone” at their house I would have found a guy tied up, a dog that was now playing fetch with them or a bear hanging from the tree, partly gutted. These are country kids through and through. So off I go to retrieve the lost kiddies and save them from their mom’s paranoia. After we get back to my house my son takes them outside to play until their mom gets home, saving the inside of my house.

 Well, the wife and S-I-L made it back around*6 pm. I had made supper (Dead Johnny streaks, fresh green beans, mashed taters with homemade gravy, corn and bread) but not enough to feed the horde that had descended upon my house (S-I-L had her youngest with her). As we waited paitently for them to leave, the S-I-L opened up her laptop and began getting on facebook, while telling us she needed to use our WiFi to do her homework. As 4 pairs of eyes rolled, I asked the obvious question, “What assignment do you need me to do?” “Oh, you could help me with Bla Bla class” she said. So after an hour of writing her paper and responding to post made my other students, she decided it was time to go home, but she didn’t know what they were having for supper. I said “I know what I’m having” got up and went into the kitchen. So ended day 1.