Having run out of drivers (apparently you are suppose to pay them) and cost exceeding income the end was in sight. My house was slowly turning into a pathetic excuse for a failing trucking company and I was starting to get calls on my cell phone (the one in the company's name) inquiring about freight loads and truck payments. Being a sympathetic person I decided to start answering them.
Like a cowboy looking down on his horse that just went lame I felt it was my duty to put a bullet in the company head.
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Me: “Hello this is B#$%@ Trucking can I help you.”
Customer: “Yes, I was calling to see if you had a truck in the Phoenix area?”
Me: “Yes I do but he won’t be let out of lockup till he sobers up a little.” I can have him there by 6 tonight.”
Customer: Click
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Me: “Hello this is B#$%@ Trucking can I help you.”
Customer: “Do you have someone around Dallas?”
Me: “Is this in reference to drugs, prostitution or freight” I need to know so I can direct your call.”
Customer: Click
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Me: “B#$%@ Trucking, you call we haul.”
Customer: “What do you have in the Nashville area?”
Me: “I gotta 48’ flat I can have there today.”
Customer: “Great”
Me: “You don’t need him to go through Illinois do you.”
Customer: “Yes, why?”
Me: “ ohh, we may have a problem.” Due to some weird pedophile law thingy he isn’t allowed in Illinois.”“I could send him through Missouri and Iowa.”“No wait he’s still got a warrant in Iowa.”
Customer: Click
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Like a cowboy looking down on his horse that just went lame I felt it was my duty to put a bullet in the company head.
__________
Me: “Hello this is B#$%@ Trucking can I help you.”
Customer: “Yes, I was calling to see if you had a truck in the Phoenix area?”
Me: “Yes I do but he won’t be let out of lockup till he sobers up a little.” I can have him there by 6 tonight.”
Customer: Click
__________
Me: “Hello this is B#$%@ Trucking can I help you.”
Customer: “Do you have someone around Dallas?”
Me: “Is this in reference to drugs, prostitution or freight” I need to know so I can direct your call.”
Customer: Click
__________
Me: “B#$%@ Trucking, you call we haul.”
Customer: “What do you have in the Nashville area?”
Me: “I gotta 48’ flat I can have there today.”
Customer: “Great”
Me: “You don’t need him to go through Illinois do you.”
Customer: “Yes, why?”
Me: “ ohh, we may have a problem.” Due to some weird pedophile law thingy he isn’t allowed in Illinois.”“I could send him through Missouri and Iowa.”“No wait he’s still got a warrant in Iowa.”
Customer: Click
__________
Customer: “Hello, do you have a driver in the San Diego area?”
Me: “Sure do but he has a partial load he’s picking up just south of you.”
Customer: “Well I only need room for a 20’ conex.
Me: “I think we can work it out.” “He is picking up 2 20’ conex’s there but I’ll check to see if we can squeeze them all into a single container.” “I think if they are all standing they will fit.”
Customer: “Sir, what cargo is he picking up first?”
Me: “Well, it’s less of a what and more of a who.”
Customer: Click
_____________
Me: “House of the unholy, Satan speaking.”
Credit company: “Uh yes, is this B#$%@ Trucking”
Me: “Sure, why not.”
Credit company: “I’m calling about the late payment on a 2003 Volvo.”
Me: “And?”
Credit company: “We were wondering if you were going to make the payment sir?”
Me: “Have I made one lately?”
Credit company: “No sir, you haven’t”
Me: “Well I don’t want to be one to break a trend.”
Credit company: “Sir this is serious.”
Me: “Sirius the satellite radio company?” I can’t afford my trucks, why would I want a satellite radio?” You’re not to bright are you?”
Me: “House of the unholy, Satan speaking.”
Credit company: “Uh yes, is this B#$%@ Trucking”
Me: “Sure, why not.”
Credit company: “I’m calling about the late payment on a 2003 Volvo.”
Me: “And?”
Credit company: “We were wondering if you were going to make the payment sir?”
Me: “Have I made one lately?”
Credit company: “No sir, you haven’t”
Me: “Well I don’t want to be one to break a trend.”
Credit company: “Sir this is serious.”
Me: “Sirius the satellite radio company?” I can’t afford my trucks, why would I want a satellite radio?” You’re not to bright are you?”
Credit company: Click
____________
Credit company: “Is this Mr. R*&^% B%$#@.”
Me: “How should I know who you are and I think it’s a little unprofessional to make me guess.”
Credit company: “Sir we are going to be forced to take action against this account if payment arrangements cannot be made.”
Me: “Are you telling me you are going to repossess it and take it from my property, forever.”
Credit company: “Yes sir that is a possibility”
Me: “Make it so my good man.” I’ll put a ribbon on it for you.
Credit company: “Is this Mr. R*&^% B%$#@.”
Me: “How should I know who you are and I think it’s a little unprofessional to make me guess.”
Credit company: “Sir we are going to be forced to take action against this account if payment arrangements cannot be made.”
Me: “Are you telling me you are going to repossess it and take it from my property, forever.”
Credit company: “Yes sir that is a possibility”
Me: “Make it so my good man.” I’ll put a ribbon on it for you.
Credit company: “So sir you are willing to proceed with a voluntary repossession?”
Me: “Only if you take my mother-in-law as well.” “I’ll help load her.”
Credit company: Click
__________
__________
Cell phone company: Hello, this is T-Blowhole and we are calling in reference to your delinquent account.
Me: “You mean you have an account just for our delinquents?” “Awww, that’s nice.”
Cell phone company: “No sir, this is about your cell phone service.”
Me: “I wasn’t aware they needed serviced but OK.”
Cell phone company: “No sir, you misunderstand.”
Me: “No I’m not Ms. Understand but I can page her if you like.”
Cell phone company: “Sir, we are calling for Mr. B#%$@ in reference to his business account.”
Me: “But if you are the cell phone company why do you need his business account?” “Are you looking into investing in failed businesses and need an example of one?”
Cell phone company: “Is this Mr. B#%$@?”
Me: “Well since you sound like a woman I’m gonna say…..No?” It’s just a guess though.” Now if you asked if you were Mrs. B#%$@ you may have got me.” “This is fun, let me try.” “Am I Mr. Trump?”
Cell phone company: “Sir, if this matter isn’t handled we will be forced to turn off your service.”
Me: “Awww, how will we talk and play the guess who I am game.”
Cell phone company: “Please have Mr. B#%$@ call us back when he can.”
Me: “Well OK, but It may be a little tough since you are shutting his phone off.” “You guys aren’t very smart are you?”
Cell phone company: Click.
_____________________
I could finally see a light at the end of this pathetic tunnel. Funny thing about light; sometimes it seems closer that it actually is.
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